


this is a godless land

by fishingrods



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Joui War, No Dialogue, Post Joui War, Religion, THIS IS MAINLY TAKASUGI SO VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED, Takasugi needs a Hug, manga/gintama the final movie spoiler, takasugi is a blasphemer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:00:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29523294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishingrods/pseuds/fishingrods
Summary: Where were you all my life?He wants to ask.
Relationships: Sakata Gintoki & Takasugi Shinsuke, Sakata Gintoki/Takasugi Shinsuke
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	this is a godless land

**Author's Note:**

> cw mentions of religion (more like hatred), also the chaotic shit related to takasugi IDK WHAT TO SAY IF YOU WATCH GINTAMA IM SURE YOU KNOW

This is a godless land.

Dry land filled with corpses, trampled on the ground as though they do not hold any worth and never have. The corpses of their enemies and their once so-called comrade looked so identical when seen through the eyes of god. So sinful, so unworthy of salvation.

Takasugi had never truly believed in god. Perhaps it was influenced by the seemingly nonexistent mentions of deities from his family. They never seemed to believe in god, which is probably why they were so greedy and drunk on power and earthly possessions.

Perhaps when Shouyou said “those who kneel in god’s presence shall know their own worth” he was right.

Perhaps they should have known this is not a battle they could thrive in.

Bloodied sword, worn out eye. Takasugi casted a look towards Gintoki’s back and saw he faced towards the end of the cliff. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve thought that Gintoki was planning to jump off the cliff. He did know better, but that still didn’t stop him from feeling his rib cage shakes against his will, as if his insides were slowly finding ways to escape from his body and they were succeeding.

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to feel. He clenched his fists and opened his mouth but nothing except for blood came out.

Katsura dragged them away. It was a sign of defeat, as much as they hated to admit it. And Takasugi screamed. He screamed until every word he screamed didn’t make sense. He screamed until his words turned into actions and Gintoki received it obediently with a blank look on his face, as though he did think he deserved it. He accepted every punch, every kick until Katsura stepped in.

It was always this way, all his life. Katsura patched things up whenever Gintoki and him had a fight.

The only difference was that this time, their fight never really patched up.

He’d like to be one of those kids who never really lost their innocence. He had always wanted to believe in fairy tales, in stuff like Santa Claus or tooth fairy just a little longer. Perhaps ignorance would be a good look on him. He was getting tired of constantly being angry and miserable, blaming things on everything despite knowing it’ll only circle back into a constant self deprecation. 

  
Sometimes, in days like this, he wondered if things would’ve gone better if he decided to stay with his family and obeyed their orders instead of picking fights like a hot blooded child that everyone claimed him to be. If he had been a nice, docile kid, everyone would probably dote on him, and that would solve almost the entire of his problems. But then again the thought of being an obedient kid doesn’t sit right with him.

If god truly does exist, what would he think when he looks at the person Takasugi had become? Would he laugh as he watched him slowly descending into darkness, swallowed by the madness that resides in him like a parasite?

Takasugi imagined god to be someone who sits in a theater, wearing his leopard suit and fancy Gucci shoes as he eats popcorn and enjoys watching the suffering that he had caused towards the mortals. Takasugi was sure that it would sound insulting for the god’s worshippers, but if that’s not true then why do mortals suffer?

Humans can try to convince themselves that pain builds character all they want. But pain only builds character until it doesn’t. Pain and suffering leeches onto your consciousness and you never truly leave it in the past as long as your feet are still on the ground and your heart beats. They feed and feed and feed onto your souls until you no longer feel like you’re alive and then what doesn’t kill you makes you weaker each day passing by.

Misfortunes fall onto mortals for no reason and it turned out that they are one of the damned products that came out of God’s plan.

  
Sometimes, in days like this, he wished to kneel in front of the altar, back facing it as he begged for the salvation he deeply knew he didn’t deserve. Maybe, if he did so, the darkening sky would clear out, showing him the view of the bright sun that he had sought for in years.

‘Oh, dear god,’ he’d mutter, with teary eyes staring above as though that’s where god belongs. Away from the tainted world that is filled with the terror that is humanity. Away from him, who was one of the reasons for the terror, and still is. ‘Dear god, show me the path I should put my heels on. Shine the light upon me as a reminder that you have always been there, watching over me making mistakes, mistakes and mistakes and yet I am still deserving of your forgiveness.’

Takasugi would hear nothing in return because that was what he expected, and also because he never actually did anything. He allowed no one to prove nor disprove his expectation. Out of fear of rejection. Out of fear of his small hope, that maybe he actually mattered, would shatter. And what will that leave for him? What is a human once they realise they are unworthy of salvation? 

What is left for him after that but his heartache and the body that comes with it?

Sometimes— _Sometimes—_

  
Takasugi never knew what to do with his aching body. The scar on his useless eye throbs, a curse he gained for being so powerless. Despair looms inside his body, claiming what is supposed to be his and he never knew what to do with it. All he felt was an indescribable emptiness and all he could think about was how everything would be better once the world fell on its knees at the sight of him.

The moment he was on his knees as he punched the face of the person who was once his comrade, his own blood mixed with the other, he dreadfully thought _This feeling will never go away._

Now, as he lies down on Gintoki’s lap, soft hands carefully holding him as though he is something precious, something worth protecting, a bundle of laughter threatens to leave his mouth. It hurts but it hurts so good. _Where were you all my life?_ He wants to ask. _How cruel are you for giving me the peace that I have searched for all my life when I am on the verge of dying?_

Gintoki tells him that he wants to exchange drinks with him at least half the times they fight and Takasugi pretends to not notice the soft, sad look on his face. This isn’t like them at all. This is not how they usually act. But him, dying, is also not a usual occurence and he wants to vomit at the realisation. Ah, so that’s what’s happening.

Maybe he survives for years just for this one seemingly insignificant moment. Maybe this—his hands intertwined in the other’s—is what he unknowingly sought for all these years. Which sounds stupid but he is slowly slipping away and he feels so light that he wants to drown in this feeling longer. Does dying always feel this peaceful or is this thanks to Gintoki?

Upon closing his eye at the sight of the other’s smiling face, he briefly wonders whether this is god’s way of compensating the amount of times he had felt lost. Is this the kind of salvation he had sought for? Does it count as salvation when he’s a few minutes away from drifting away into the afterlife?

Light threatens to spill into his already closed eye and he smiles as he feels his face warming up from some source of heat. He doesn’t care anymore. This kind of ending is already satisfying enough for a good-for-nothing like him.

The moment he’s losing his consciousness, slowly feeling like he’s melting away in the embrace of someone who is once again his comrade, his own hand loosening in the other’s hold, he pleasantly thinks _So the feeling does go away._

‘Everything starts and ends with you, and I want to thank you for it.’

**Author's Note:**

> im a takasugi kinnie and i say that takasugi is a blasphemer!!! yea im not feeling so good the past couple of months so i thought "hey i should just vent through the characters i kin" and here it is. i am just a real life form of takasugi + the blaspheming bonus. the years i spent in islamic school has gone to waste im so sorry @god@myparentsmoney
> 
> also this is the second fic i wrote that includes takasugi's death because i am an absolute wreck. pls send hugs.
> 
> twt : dazaified. tumblr : fishing-rods


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